Teen Spirit

“Teen Spirit”

Crushed papers.

Friday, October 26 || 10/26/2012 07:55:00 AM

I'm not feeling good.

I nearly cried just now.

Yes, I am crushed.

My confidence is gone.

I'm confident about my ability in many aspects, except

My outward appearance.

I used to be pretty.

Well that was what I use to think.

Until this year, things just go haywire.

My face started having so many pimples, making it looked like some red bumpy road.

I became unattractive.

Mum said I gained weight.

I went to see the skin specialist.

Managed to cure it, well at least minimize it and now it looked clear

But, another problem popped out.

Stretch marks on my legs.

I was devastated.

Why stretched marks? Why?

Went to the doctors again,

she said it might happen if I suddenly gain weight or over pressured my legs.

My mum jumped into the conclusion that I had this stretch marks cause I gained weight.

Ever since that I never once thought that I was normal looking anymore.

Plus ever since he told me that his ideal type was those girls with beautiful skinny legs.

Looked at mine, they looked like trotters.

Every day, my mum reminded me about it.

I'm so sick of it.

I know she's worried about it but why must she make it into such a big deal!

I AM NOT FAT.

I counted my BMI, I am at the optimum weight.

SO WHY MUST SHE SAY THAT I AM FAT.

I don't even know why those stretched marks appeared.

I eat like I usually eat, normal.

I sometimes even skip breakfast.

Lately I even went to the extend of cutting down carbs in my dinner.

And ended up getting hungry at night.

I wanna slim down.

I wanna look pretty.

BUT WHY.

I just managed to settle one problem

ANOTHER ONE POPPED OUT.

WHYYY.

I AM SO SICK OF THIS.

It's not like I wanted right.

I have no one to talk about it.

I tell my friends and they will end up telling me , " YOU're not fat brenda you're not"

I go back and my mum goes," YOU GAINED WEIGHT YOU MUST CUT DOWN YOUR FOOD."

I never even eat after 9pm!

I started exercising every day.

I brought back the carbs cause I started dancing long hours lately and I need energy!

You can't expect me to dance with just two feeds of rice!

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Great.

This is just fantastic.

What the fuck do you want from me.

The guy I actually once really loved is now with another girl of his dreams.

And they were actually so lovey dovey in front of me and I still smiled.

What do you want from me .

I acted my best.

But why.

WHY.

I prayed everyday, wait for me

One day I will be pretty.

I will make sure everyone notices me.

Not just for my abilities.

I want to be pretty too.

No matter how capable I am, I am just a normal woman .

I want to be pretty too.

I'm jealous of those that are pretty.

Every time I looked at those girls with that beautiful body and smooth face

I thought to myself, " Why can't I have that? Why?"

Everyone is attracted to pretty stuff.

I want to be in attention too.

I'm sick living a life where I'm known as just the "smart" one.

I wanna be pretty too.

Guys please.

They just looked like pretty girls and drool all over them.

It's easier to get friends if you're pretty.

Look at me!

LOOK!.

what the hell do I have?

I just don't get it.

why.

why me.

I know I sounded ridiculous now

But seriously

why me.

I hate it when my friend say

" YOU SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR FACE"

I DID

YOU THINK I DIDNT?

I WENT TO THE DOCTORS

I TOOK MEDS THAT MADE ME HAVE GASTRIC SOMETIMES

I PUT THOSE CREAM THAT STINK LIKE SHIT.

YOU THINK I DIDNT?

THOSE FUCKING STRETCH MARKS

YOU THINK I WANT THEM!

YOU THINK I WANT?!

I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET THEM AWAY.

ME, FAT?!
FINE.

I WILL STARVE MYSELF.

TILL I REACHED MY GOAL.

YOU THINK I CANT BE PRETTY?!

I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU.

I CAN BE PRETTY.

now would you please excuse me.