“Teen Spirit”

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I'm back, after so long.
Many things happened
I don't even know why am I back here
Maybe cause these problems, are too complicated
I tried telling them to my friends but it seems like no one could give me an answer that I really wanted
In fact, I seriously thought that I'm annoying them with my problems.
Well, you will of course feel that when your friend got so pissed till she said in harsh way
" With you attitude you will never get a boyfriend! "
That was seriously demotivating, and with a memory which is not so bad, I could actually remember it till now, which means, I remembered it for 4 months or maybe 6 months already.
I tend to remember what people tell me, good or bad.
Guess this is an advantage, or maybe a disadvantage to me?
I don't know. I just felt so blue deep inside.
Outside i'm like laughing with my friends, gossiping, playing around.
I never dare to mention anything about this love crush thing.
I don't want to turn down their mood.
Plus, no one can help me except myself.
This is my problem, isn't it?
I should have forgotten everything about him.
I should have not even see him
Never looked into his eyes and stare at him till I get lost in his captivating sight.
I should never even care about who is he hanging out with
What he thought about me or said about me
I shouldn't even care whether he likes me or not.
I'm just me and he is just him.
We both led our own lives.

Well God just love playing with our lives...
Just when I thought that I totally forget about him
He ended being in the same exam hall as me.
Oh what a luck. I was cursing that time, seriously cursing.
I'm like happy and pissed off at the same time.
I got confused again, seriously confused.
Do I really forget about him already? Or I still want him?
Do I want him so I can love him? Or do I want him just for the sake of owning something like a toy?
What do I want from him?
What does he want from me?

He is surrounded by girls, like lots of pretty girls.
Yes, yes I tend to get jealous which is not my natural behavior
and I should have forgotten everything ever since the rejection.
I suck, really badly. I really sucked.

Then I tried to get another guy to just, make me lose focus from that stupid person.
Friend did advised me and sort of encouraged me to go for the guy.
But please, I'm not blind.
He had no sign of interest towards me.
He's more interested with my friend.
Well who isn't attracted to such a beautiful and funny lady?
Look at me.
What am I?
An ugly looking shorty with tons of fats with that nerdish aura around?
Or the one who tried to act cool when actually she's not?
Or maybe the musician wannabe ?
I don't know.
I just know that, I'm not attractive.
At all?
I might be the cool one among the girls
the one that they wanted to look up to
like their role model?
But, among guys
I am nothing to them.
They probably see me as a pest?

I... lose my confidence.
Deep inside I'm probably crushed into millions of pieces.
but life goes on
I still love him.
no I don't dare to say the word love.
Maybe a like.
Why am I so stupid
I still hope that one day he might wanna pay attention to me, and at least be friendly to me?
I'm just being so foolish.

Love is stupid.
Love is seriously stupid.
Everybody love pretty things.
Pretty things win
Pretty things get everything first
Including love.