“Teen Spirit”

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My mind is spinning around now. Everything comes splashing on my face like a tsunami. The funniest part was, this was what I had waited for last time. As time goes by, the feelings became dull, just like a cup of cold coffee, without sugar, without creamer. It was a little sudden for me till I didn't know how to react to it. I can't even concentrate on anything. I felt like, I owe someone something. I felt like a fugitive, running away from prison. I felt like an empty glass, filled with hot boiling water. Painful, burning, grieving.

It was short. Just that three words, and I am intimidated by it already. I would've faced it calmly, and kindly tell the person off without any worries. However, today, things changed. I grew up, and I began to think in a slightly more complex manner. I was rejected numerous times. The most pain was felt during the last rejection, which was only a simple sentence, "Can we just stay friends?" Just that one sentence, it killed me entirely for 8 months, and I had to bear with that pain, no one to talk to, no one who understands, no one who cared. I know how painful it is to be rejected by someone you like, whether you really like that person, or just a mere crush, it's still painful.

In everybody's eyes, he was that rebel who is famous for breaking the rules and causing chaos. He was that person who was described as annoying, and hopeless. The one who doesn't bring anything to tuition except a bag, a book and his phone. That person who cracked up jokes, that sometimes brings laughter, sometimes just plain sarcasm. He is not a very good looking person, but I wouldn't label him as ugly either. He is scrawny. Base on what I see, not many like him. Mostly those so call "intellectuals" dislike him. However to me, he was quite of a nice person. He might be a little nerve wrecking sometimes, but he is not a bad person. He told me on Friday, that I should let my hair down, " You looked better like that". He mentioned " I love you." a few times during chemistry class but I ignored. Even till today, this minute, I hope I could runaway from it.

I don't know how I feel. My brain is just, blank. It's like just that one word reply in my head.

"oh"

That's all I can say. Asked my friends for opinions and they told me to just tell him off. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt anyone. If I tell him off, he will get hurt ; but if I accepted his feelings, both of us will get hurt. I know that theory, very well. But... I didn't have the guts to do that. My old friend told me, I have the qualifications to reject someone too. Love is a give and take thing. I know all of these theories, but I felt a tinge of guilt in my heart. I don't want to lose a friend like him, and if I say no things are going to get awkward. I hate it.

This is disturbing.