“Teen Spirit”

October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 October 2012 December 2012 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 July 2013 September 2013 October 2013

I'm crying right now, again.
The girl called me, questioning me like a fugitive again. Expecting me to I understand. I told her what I thought, she still sounded suspicious. I broke down telling her what's going on in my head. She told me I'm not the only person who said that. The point is, I am no different from others sometimes when I'm weak. I sobbed while explaining, I couldn't stop myself. Telling her about my suicidal thoughts which I thought it was stupid, the stress I had, but i didn't tell her the stress I got from my family matter cause I don't want to make things complicated.

I cried again, like hell. Grandma had to snatched the phone away and closed it with no mercy. I sobbed and sobbed. She just consoled me. Then my parents came up. My dad told me to be strong, telling I'm a leader. I must be stern. I am different from them. I'm much more matured, I'm much more rational. My mum just say down and acted just like her. Blasting about wanting to go to school and look for the teacher, all sorts of nonsense which will most probably make things worst.

I kept quiet and cried. Hands still trying my best to finish up my chemistry work.
But she kept on saying in a stern manner, " why are you crying! " again, is crying a crime?

I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up and threw my book and yelled at her, telling her to let me have some peace of mid. But no, she kept on nagging, her voice continued getting louder and louder each time I tried to tell her off. Again, I slumped into the edge of breaking down. This time I screamed like shit, struggling around like a monster trying to escape from this cage of thorns made inside my heart and my mind. Why can't they understand and just give me a little peace?

She insisted I continue my homework even though I was in a terrible condition. My dad just kept on saying, you have to be strong you have to control yourself. Grandma was right there holding me back.

I told my mum everything. She couldn't accept any one of my thoughts. She said I should treat them like an enemy. She said she's doing this just to protect me. But she doesn't know the fact, that it's slowly corroding me inside. I told her, I would be a psychotic killer and kill everyone. She said its cause I'm not in the power to settle it myself. I told her, but I did not. So your point is not counted. I told her every single feeling I had. Tears still rolling but in a stern voice. She said that I should not mix with friends like that and that she disagrees from the start when I was involved in the carnival.

Why didn't she stop me and instead brought it up now?

I told her, " you know, right now, you are no different from them. "

I didn't know how I manage to get her out of my room. I just cried. Grandma was beside consoling me. She said she dreamt about grandpa, the 3 of us, sleeping at our old house. Is that a sign that someone will take my pain away? Is that a sign that I could escape forever?

That's why I said. You don't know what I'm going through. In my life, crying is a crime. Being sad is a crime. All I need to do is study, be stern, and act like an adult even though I'm just a normal 16 year old girl.


I'm really really tired. But that's my fate.