“Teen Spirit”

October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 October 2012 December 2012 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 July 2013 September 2013 October 2013

My life is rotten right now. 

It was a quiet night. The night was extraordinarily silent, the usual symphony of chirping crickets or the screeching sounds of fighting cats can't be heard. The silence just seemed to crawl up onto my skin, causing goosebumps and a slight eeriness. Fear began rushing into my veins, as it slowly flow down from the brain to the rest of the blood lines in my body. I quickly tiptoed and took my headphones, plugging it into my iPhone and blasted the music. The alternative music playing did some justice in this overly quiet situation, but the feeling is still there. 

I was never photogenic. In fact, I looked pretty hideous in candid shots. I have a fat face, no jaw, small eyes, huge teeth and flabby arms. That pretty much sums up my appearance in pictures. Yes, it was pretty devastating/awkward to see myself being tagged in these photos where everyone was looking fabulous and then there's me, standing there smiling like a retard. 

I've been awake for 17 hours already.

I was supposed to be productive but I guess, the plan went off the lane. I ended up singing with an empty stomach till 1 pm and rushing my chemistry revision with distractions from my laptop halfway through the whole process.

I thrashed my whole day.
I didn't go to school, I didn't actually finish up my homework and right now, I've decided to skip tuition as well.
Knowing that I've been practically a useless potato today, I began to panic. Slapped myself a few times on the cheeks to keep myself awake as well as a punishment to myself. Still, I was not satisfied at all. My mind tells me to knock my head on something hard, like a wall or my desk, but I was rational enough to stop myself from doing such nonsense.

Grandma forced me to shower then eat dinner. I was too cranky to do anything. Just took a shower, feel slightly fresher but I don't think it's giving any help. Food? I'm feeling nausea right now. So, fuck food.

While I was in the shower, thinking about how I was going to spend the remnants of my day with this bitch attitude of mine, I began crying for no apparent reason. Sleep-deprived really did affect me badly. Saddening memories, flashbacks all started playing tricks in my head. I began to remember every single critiques and nonsensical comments that people threw and spat at me.

Drama queen.

You're just acting your own drama.

Can you please stop being so melodramatic?

Asshole.

Arrogant bitch.

I'm amazed by my selective memory. I guess my brain really puts these depressing memories inside a hardware while my study plans and some other useful informations? Probably discarded and sent to the junk mail category inside my head.

I'm not bipolar. I don't have a depression and of course I don't have Shizernophrenia. I am a healthy young lady who is sleep-deprived.

However, I have to admit.
Whenever my head is throbbing, I get great ideas.
Cool.



I'm crying right now, again.
The girl called me, questioning me like a fugitive again. Expecting me to I understand. I told her what I thought, she still sounded suspicious. I broke down telling her what's going on in my head. She told me I'm not the only person who said that. The point is, I am no different from others sometimes when I'm weak. I sobbed while explaining, I couldn't stop myself. Telling her about my suicidal thoughts which I thought it was stupid, the stress I had, but i didn't tell her the stress I got from my family matter cause I don't want to make things complicated.

I cried again, like hell. Grandma had to snatched the phone away and closed it with no mercy. I sobbed and sobbed. She just consoled me. Then my parents came up. My dad told me to be strong, telling I'm a leader. I must be stern. I am different from them. I'm much more matured, I'm much more rational. My mum just say down and acted just like her. Blasting about wanting to go to school and look for the teacher, all sorts of nonsense which will most probably make things worst.

I kept quiet and cried. Hands still trying my best to finish up my chemistry work.
But she kept on saying in a stern manner, " why are you crying! " again, is crying a crime?

I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up and threw my book and yelled at her, telling her to let me have some peace of mid. But no, she kept on nagging, her voice continued getting louder and louder each time I tried to tell her off. Again, I slumped into the edge of breaking down. This time I screamed like shit, struggling around like a monster trying to escape from this cage of thorns made inside my heart and my mind. Why can't they understand and just give me a little peace?

She insisted I continue my homework even though I was in a terrible condition. My dad just kept on saying, you have to be strong you have to control yourself. Grandma was right there holding me back.

I told my mum everything. She couldn't accept any one of my thoughts. She said I should treat them like an enemy. She said she's doing this just to protect me. But she doesn't know the fact, that it's slowly corroding me inside. I told her, I would be a psychotic killer and kill everyone. She said its cause I'm not in the power to settle it myself. I told her, but I did not. So your point is not counted. I told her every single feeling I had. Tears still rolling but in a stern voice. She said that I should not mix with friends like that and that she disagrees from the start when I was involved in the carnival.

Why didn't she stop me and instead brought it up now?

I told her, " you know, right now, you are no different from them. "

I didn't know how I manage to get her out of my room. I just cried. Grandma was beside consoling me. She said she dreamt about grandpa, the 3 of us, sleeping at our old house. Is that a sign that someone will take my pain away? Is that a sign that I could escape forever?

That's why I said. You don't know what I'm going through. In my life, crying is a crime. Being sad is a crime. All I need to do is study, be stern, and act like an adult even though I'm just a normal 16 year old girl.


I'm really really tired. But that's my fate.


I'm now in a terrible situation.
Both my friends were involved in some harassment incident where they both believed that the guy did it intentionally.
I agreed at first. Everyone did. Everyone believed he was at fault and he deserved the worst punishment he could ever get.

Until one day I realized, what if he is not guilty? What if it was just an accident?

I told her.
But she pushed me away, leaving me isolated just because I was different.
I was devastated. I knew this would happen, I knew she would have gotten mad with me. However, I thought she would understand, it was just merely an opinion. I was sad, I was really sad. I even felt really guilty. What if we did the wrong thing and I was one of the reasons why the boy got into such a sticky situation?
That night after she hung up the phone, not willing to accept my opinion. I cried. No one was there except one who understand. However, the pain is still there. For the first time, I felt such grieving pain in my heart, that caused tears to pour out like tap water. I cried the whole night.

The next day, hoping things would get better. However, again I was wrong. All of them gave me cold shoulders and weird stares. I knew, I became the villain again, just because I was different. Again, I don't blame her. She was the victim, she deserved to be angry for all she wants. But things just went out of hand, overboard. All of them were so cold to me. Nobody dared answering my questions, and those whispers that looked so cynical just cut me deep. I kept quiet. I kept composed though the pain started building up again.

Recess, I was alone again. Walked alone with my chemistry book in hand, feeling lost and insecure. They all left me behind. I decided to look for a friend, whom I believed will understand my situation. However, again and again I was wrong. I began to shatter into pieces. What have I done besides stating a different opinion? I never said I would betray her. I never said I would go and stand at the boy's side. This is too much for me. I broke down. Again for the first time, I yelled at the girl who I never expect myself to yell at for my whole life.

I broke down. Disappointed, broken. Maybe I was weird, maybe I was not fit to be their friends, maybe I thought too much, maybe I shouldn't even have told her that. It was my fault. I put the blame on myself right again. That time, everything around me seems to just stop. I was mentally unstable for the past few days, thanks to the overwhelming stress I had. Right now, this situation is not helping me at all.

Teacher saw and questioned me. I told her everything. At first she couldn't understand, but in the end she did. She said she would help. Of course, I felt better after telling someone who is matured enough to understand. Someone who can see the missing perspective where they failed to realize. I stood beside my friend in the queue, she just glanced, and walked away. Again, broken.

The night. She called. Not the one who glared at me and gave me cold shoulders, the one whom I thought she understood. She told me to understand. Four years of friendship, and yet she doesn't understand me? Thinking back, I was always the one being yelled at. Whenever she had a bad day, I would be the her punching bag. She would yell at me all she wants when I'm pretty sure I never done any of the things she said. When she had problems, I had to crack my head and help her, getting myself into trouble I'm not suppose to be in. But right now, I was said to be stubborn and childish. Just because I was different. She told me to talk to her. I said I would but things will never be the same anymore. I've reached a limit. My patience has a limit. I was given the title of a " betrayer" just because I was different. I'm not the strong person you think I am. My mask is slowly tearing down. It's tiring.

The next day, I went to school, smiling. Hoping that things would be better. She still ignored me. I didn't mind, didn't care. I still talk to her even though all I get was one word replies. It's still scarred inside., but it's okay. I could take it.

The day went normally, just without her.

Later, teacher called both of us. She told us about the case and she of course explained my point of view the her and all I did was for good intentions. However, that one thing that broke my heart again.

" I was so angry when I saw her cry. Everybody was questioning me what did I do to her! I was so pissed off. I went back and told my sister about it, and she called her an asshole. "

Then she gave me another title of " drama queen" . I never knew crying was a crime. She has no rights to call me that when she doesn't even know what am I going through. I thought so much for her, but instead she misjudged me so badly, treating me like a villain. Fine. I took it as a joke but deep inside, I was hurt. It was bleeding so hard that I hope I could just slice that pain off with a knife. I hope I could slice everybody around me who looked at me that way. But, I know that is wrong. I don't want to make that stupid mistake.

I walked behind her. She went away.

When we went back to class, she started crying. Everybody as usual, will be so worried about her. I on the other hand, chose to let her cry alone. She needs to accept the fact that the world does not spin around her. She needs to understand that sometimes things don't go like what it was meant to be. She needs to understand that life is realistic and not everyone will agree with you especially when you just thought from your own perspective. The worst is, when one of her close friend asked her what's wrong. She refuse to tell her. Genius, she went and tell other people whom she isn't really very close with. People who aren't suppose to be involve with this. I was furious again. You want to hate me fine, but please do not drag her along.

I'm sick of this.
I'm now keeping a distance away from her till the day she could actually gain some sense back.
Worse scenario?
Goodbye then.

A few friends told me to let go. Maybe they're right, maybe I should let go.

I have been drowning myself in rock indie alternative music tonight. I'm not very good with music genres, but... They're noisily soothing. I was having doubts yesterday, but today, my mind was clear. A person who doesn't understand my taste my music, a person who clearly jokes about every single thing whether it's a serious matter or not, is not fit to be in a relationship with me. The person who likes me must accept that I am not like any other ordinary girls who looked up on Taylor Swift as their idol, and Justin Bieber or One Direction as their ideal boyfriends. I am not the girl who likes listening to love songs or mainstream pop songs that only says nothing but stereotype love and breakups, or even how cool are singles.

I've a weird taste of music.

I listen to music where mostly people don't listen to. I don't mind spending my whole day just repeating this music and smile to myself as I hear my favorite parts of the songs. Whether the song is ghastly or noisy, I don't mind. Some songs just mold according to my mood and it just completes every single emptiness in me. Of course, it helped me to concentrate in my studies. Sounds ridiculous but yes, without music, I can't concentrate at all.

"I'm listening to rock music while doing my Biology work."
"What? Rock music is for crazy people."

You say that one more time, I will make sure I hang you upside down with your mainstream shit. Let me keep things clear, you have no rights to insult the music I like nor make a joke out of it. I don't give a damn if you condemn about my fashion taste or the books I read, or the things I do, but when it comes to music, never ever say something bad about it. I respect your taste of music so I hope that you respect mine. Stop telling me what to do. I am not your toy, I am not your girlfriend, I am not even your follower. I'm just being nice to you and that's the shit that I'm doing. Please do not take advantage of it.

One more time?
I'm going to make sure that every single bit of your soul remembers this crazy bitch.

You fell for the wrong person.
You fell for a crazy bitch like me. C:

My mind is spinning around now. Everything comes splashing on my face like a tsunami. The funniest part was, this was what I had waited for last time. As time goes by, the feelings became dull, just like a cup of cold coffee, without sugar, without creamer. It was a little sudden for me till I didn't know how to react to it. I can't even concentrate on anything. I felt like, I owe someone something. I felt like a fugitive, running away from prison. I felt like an empty glass, filled with hot boiling water. Painful, burning, grieving.

It was short. Just that three words, and I am intimidated by it already. I would've faced it calmly, and kindly tell the person off without any worries. However, today, things changed. I grew up, and I began to think in a slightly more complex manner. I was rejected numerous times. The most pain was felt during the last rejection, which was only a simple sentence, "Can we just stay friends?" Just that one sentence, it killed me entirely for 8 months, and I had to bear with that pain, no one to talk to, no one who understands, no one who cared. I know how painful it is to be rejected by someone you like, whether you really like that person, or just a mere crush, it's still painful.

In everybody's eyes, he was that rebel who is famous for breaking the rules and causing chaos. He was that person who was described as annoying, and hopeless. The one who doesn't bring anything to tuition except a bag, a book and his phone. That person who cracked up jokes, that sometimes brings laughter, sometimes just plain sarcasm. He is not a very good looking person, but I wouldn't label him as ugly either. He is scrawny. Base on what I see, not many like him. Mostly those so call "intellectuals" dislike him. However to me, he was quite of a nice person. He might be a little nerve wrecking sometimes, but he is not a bad person. He told me on Friday, that I should let my hair down, " You looked better like that". He mentioned " I love you." a few times during chemistry class but I ignored. Even till today, this minute, I hope I could runaway from it.

I don't know how I feel. My brain is just, blank. It's like just that one word reply in my head.

"oh"

That's all I can say. Asked my friends for opinions and they told me to just tell him off. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt anyone. If I tell him off, he will get hurt ; but if I accepted his feelings, both of us will get hurt. I know that theory, very well. But... I didn't have the guts to do that. My old friend told me, I have the qualifications to reject someone too. Love is a give and take thing. I know all of these theories, but I felt a tinge of guilt in my heart. I don't want to lose a friend like him, and if I say no things are going to get awkward. I hate it.

This is disturbing.