Teen Spirit

“Teen Spirit”

Crushed papers.

Friday, October 26 || 10/26/2012 07:55:00 AM

I'm not feeling good.

I nearly cried just now.

Yes, I am crushed.

My confidence is gone.

I'm confident about my ability in many aspects, except

My outward appearance.

I used to be pretty.

Well that was what I use to think.

Until this year, things just go haywire.

My face started having so many pimples, making it looked like some red bumpy road.

I became unattractive.

Mum said I gained weight.

I went to see the skin specialist.

Managed to cure it, well at least minimize it and now it looked clear

But, another problem popped out.

Stretch marks on my legs.

I was devastated.

Why stretched marks? Why?

Went to the doctors again,

she said it might happen if I suddenly gain weight or over pressured my legs.

My mum jumped into the conclusion that I had this stretch marks cause I gained weight.

Ever since that I never once thought that I was normal looking anymore.

Plus ever since he told me that his ideal type was those girls with beautiful skinny legs.

Looked at mine, they looked like trotters.

Every day, my mum reminded me about it.

I'm so sick of it.

I know she's worried about it but why must she make it into such a big deal!

I AM NOT FAT.

I counted my BMI, I am at the optimum weight.

SO WHY MUST SHE SAY THAT I AM FAT.

I don't even know why those stretched marks appeared.

I eat like I usually eat, normal.

I sometimes even skip breakfast.

Lately I even went to the extend of cutting down carbs in my dinner.

And ended up getting hungry at night.

I wanna slim down.

I wanna look pretty.

BUT WHY.

I just managed to settle one problem

ANOTHER ONE POPPED OUT.

WHYYY.

I AM SO SICK OF THIS.

It's not like I wanted right.

I have no one to talk about it.

I tell my friends and they will end up telling me , " YOU're not fat brenda you're not"

I go back and my mum goes," YOU GAINED WEIGHT YOU MUST CUT DOWN YOUR FOOD."

I never even eat after 9pm!

I started exercising every day.

I brought back the carbs cause I started dancing long hours lately and I need energy!

You can't expect me to dance with just two feeds of rice!

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Great.

This is just fantastic.

What the fuck do you want from me.

The guy I actually once really loved is now with another girl of his dreams.

And they were actually so lovey dovey in front of me and I still smiled.

What do you want from me .

I acted my best.

But why.

WHY.

I prayed everyday, wait for me

One day I will be pretty.

I will make sure everyone notices me.

Not just for my abilities.

I want to be pretty too.

No matter how capable I am, I am just a normal woman .

I want to be pretty too.

I'm jealous of those that are pretty.

Every time I looked at those girls with that beautiful body and smooth face

I thought to myself, " Why can't I have that? Why?"

Everyone is attracted to pretty stuff.

I want to be in attention too.

I'm sick living a life where I'm known as just the "smart" one.

I wanna be pretty too.

Guys please.

They just looked like pretty girls and drool all over them.

It's easier to get friends if you're pretty.

Look at me!

LOOK!.

what the hell do I have?

I just don't get it.

why.

why me.

I know I sounded ridiculous now

But seriously

why me.

I hate it when my friend say

" YOU SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR FACE"

I DID

YOU THINK I DIDNT?

I WENT TO THE DOCTORS

I TOOK MEDS THAT MADE ME HAVE GASTRIC SOMETIMES

I PUT THOSE CREAM THAT STINK LIKE SHIT.

YOU THINK I DIDNT?

THOSE FUCKING STRETCH MARKS

YOU THINK I WANT THEM!

YOU THINK I WANT?!

I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET THEM AWAY.

ME, FAT?!
FINE.

I WILL STARVE MYSELF.

TILL I REACHED MY GOAL.

YOU THINK I CANT BE PRETTY?!

I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU.

I CAN BE PRETTY.

now would you please excuse me.

Bring back the music.

Friday, October 19 || 10/19/2012 11:06:00 AM

Had a great time today at Rennie's party.
Cool party, took tons of pictures, but the lame ass internet is not functioning well today.
So I guess I will have to upload tomorrow.

I was going through my notifications just now
then one of my friend, tagged me in a picture.
Where this Taiwanese guy ( I think he is an artist or something )
Was talking bad about G Dragon.
He posted a picture with the caption in Chinese,
saying that G Dragon was such a coward, and that he should just admit to the whole world that he smoked marijuana instead of being careless. And he also claimed that even though Taiwanese artists are not as rich as Koreans, at least they have the courage to do things and admit it.
This really outraged the VIPs and also the Kpop lovers,
The one that love their country too?
I don't know why they related all of these into the country politics.

This made me think,
Is music the same like last time?
Is music played for the sake of entertainment, or just for the sake of fame?
Is music related to your country?
Is music related to the politics in the world?
If music is related to that, I know a few songs that can make the economy go down to the pit.

Music use to be like a language to communicate among people.
But now, music is just used to attack people.
Music is now graded not by the genres, but by the country or maybe the language!
And the musicians these days.
I will not call them as musicians anymore.
There are artists, they're actors, they're the directors.
Do they sing for the sake of spreading the love of music, or just for the sake of getting the bling and the fame? Some of them even tend to create this sort of scandalous news just to attract the media.
Seriously? I think this is just shameful.
You're a musician, not some paparazi.
You should sell yourself, but not in such a cheap way.
By doing all of these, you're just making yourself looked uneducated and cheap!
Making up all these news, making bad comments on some popular artists?
You can't be serious.
Fame can't be achieve over night by just doing all these sort of immature act!
Well, that depends on what kind of fame you want.
The fame you're gonna get if you do those bad stuff?
Nasty I tell you. Nasty. It's gonna be nasty.

This is seriously disappointing.
the word respect is gone in this dog eat dog world.
This is just too realistic.

But in the end, who's fault is this?
It's all the human's fault.
Greed and lust.

I miss the old times where music is known as music.
Not some product.
Bring back the music please?

Stupid love.

Thursday, October 18 || 10/18/2012 09:37:00 AM

I'm back, after so long.
Many things happened
I don't even know why am I back here
Maybe cause these problems, are too complicated
I tried telling them to my friends but it seems like no one could give me an answer that I really wanted
In fact, I seriously thought that I'm annoying them with my problems.
Well, you will of course feel that when your friend got so pissed till she said in harsh way
" With you attitude you will never get a boyfriend! "
That was seriously demotivating, and with a memory which is not so bad, I could actually remember it till now, which means, I remembered it for 4 months or maybe 6 months already.
I tend to remember what people tell me, good or bad.
Guess this is an advantage, or maybe a disadvantage to me?
I don't know. I just felt so blue deep inside.
Outside i'm like laughing with my friends, gossiping, playing around.
I never dare to mention anything about this love crush thing.
I don't want to turn down their mood.
Plus, no one can help me except myself.
This is my problem, isn't it?
I should have forgotten everything about him.
I should have not even see him
Never looked into his eyes and stare at him till I get lost in his captivating sight.
I should never even care about who is he hanging out with
What he thought about me or said about me
I shouldn't even care whether he likes me or not.
I'm just me and he is just him.
We both led our own lives.

Well God just love playing with our lives...
Just when I thought that I totally forget about him
He ended being in the same exam hall as me.
Oh what a luck. I was cursing that time, seriously cursing.
I'm like happy and pissed off at the same time.
I got confused again, seriously confused.
Do I really forget about him already? Or I still want him?
Do I want him so I can love him? Or do I want him just for the sake of owning something like a toy?
What do I want from him?
What does he want from me?

He is surrounded by girls, like lots of pretty girls.
Yes, yes I tend to get jealous which is not my natural behavior
and I should have forgotten everything ever since the rejection.
I suck, really badly. I really sucked.

Then I tried to get another guy to just, make me lose focus from that stupid person.
Friend did advised me and sort of encouraged me to go for the guy.
But please, I'm not blind.
He had no sign of interest towards me.
He's more interested with my friend.
Well who isn't attracted to such a beautiful and funny lady?
Look at me.
What am I?
An ugly looking shorty with tons of fats with that nerdish aura around?
Or the one who tried to act cool when actually she's not?
Or maybe the musician wannabe ?
I don't know.
I just know that, I'm not attractive.
At all?
I might be the cool one among the girls
the one that they wanted to look up to
like their role model?
But, among guys
I am nothing to them.
They probably see me as a pest?

I... lose my confidence.
Deep inside I'm probably crushed into millions of pieces.
but life goes on
I still love him.
no I don't dare to say the word love.
Maybe a like.
Why am I so stupid
I still hope that one day he might wanna pay attention to me, and at least be friendly to me?
I'm just being so foolish.

Love is stupid.
Love is seriously stupid.
Everybody love pretty things.
Pretty things win
Pretty things get everything first
Including love.