Teen Spirit

“Teen Spirit”

Ruby.

Sunday, April 21 || 4/21/2013 10:48:00 AM

I have been drowning myself in rock indie alternative music tonight. I'm not very good with music genres, but... They're noisily soothing. I was having doubts yesterday, but today, my mind was clear. A person who doesn't understand my taste my music, a person who clearly jokes about every single thing whether it's a serious matter or not, is not fit to be in a relationship with me. The person who likes me must accept that I am not like any other ordinary girls who looked up on Taylor Swift as their idol, and Justin Bieber or One Direction as their ideal boyfriends. I am not the girl who likes listening to love songs or mainstream pop songs that only says nothing but stereotype love and breakups, or even how cool are singles.

I've a weird taste of music.

I listen to music where mostly people don't listen to. I don't mind spending my whole day just repeating this music and smile to myself as I hear my favorite parts of the songs. Whether the song is ghastly or noisy, I don't mind. Some songs just mold according to my mood and it just completes every single emptiness in me. Of course, it helped me to concentrate in my studies. Sounds ridiculous but yes, without music, I can't concentrate at all.

"I'm listening to rock music while doing my Biology work."
"What? Rock music is for crazy people."

You say that one more time, I will make sure I hang you upside down with your mainstream shit. Let me keep things clear, you have no rights to insult the music I like nor make a joke out of it. I don't give a damn if you condemn about my fashion taste or the books I read, or the things I do, but when it comes to music, never ever say something bad about it. I respect your taste of music so I hope that you respect mine. Stop telling me what to do. I am not your toy, I am not your girlfriend, I am not even your follower. I'm just being nice to you and that's the shit that I'm doing. Please do not take advantage of it.

One more time?
I'm going to make sure that every single bit of your soul remembers this crazy bitch.

You fell for the wrong person.
You fell for a crazy bitch like me. C:

O'children.

Saturday, April 20 || 4/20/2013 11:11:00 AM

My mind is spinning around now. Everything comes splashing on my face like a tsunami. The funniest part was, this was what I had waited for last time. As time goes by, the feelings became dull, just like a cup of cold coffee, without sugar, without creamer. It was a little sudden for me till I didn't know how to react to it. I can't even concentrate on anything. I felt like, I owe someone something. I felt like a fugitive, running away from prison. I felt like an empty glass, filled with hot boiling water. Painful, burning, grieving.

It was short. Just that three words, and I am intimidated by it already. I would've faced it calmly, and kindly tell the person off without any worries. However, today, things changed. I grew up, and I began to think in a slightly more complex manner. I was rejected numerous times. The most pain was felt during the last rejection, which was only a simple sentence, "Can we just stay friends?" Just that one sentence, it killed me entirely for 8 months, and I had to bear with that pain, no one to talk to, no one who understands, no one who cared. I know how painful it is to be rejected by someone you like, whether you really like that person, or just a mere crush, it's still painful.

In everybody's eyes, he was that rebel who is famous for breaking the rules and causing chaos. He was that person who was described as annoying, and hopeless. The one who doesn't bring anything to tuition except a bag, a book and his phone. That person who cracked up jokes, that sometimes brings laughter, sometimes just plain sarcasm. He is not a very good looking person, but I wouldn't label him as ugly either. He is scrawny. Base on what I see, not many like him. Mostly those so call "intellectuals" dislike him. However to me, he was quite of a nice person. He might be a little nerve wrecking sometimes, but he is not a bad person. He told me on Friday, that I should let my hair down, " You looked better like that". He mentioned " I love you." a few times during chemistry class but I ignored. Even till today, this minute, I hope I could runaway from it.

I don't know how I feel. My brain is just, blank. It's like just that one word reply in my head.

"oh"

That's all I can say. Asked my friends for opinions and they told me to just tell him off. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt anyone. If I tell him off, he will get hurt ; but if I accepted his feelings, both of us will get hurt. I know that theory, very well. But... I didn't have the guts to do that. My old friend told me, I have the qualifications to reject someone too. Love is a give and take thing. I know all of these theories, but I felt a tinge of guilt in my heart. I don't want to lose a friend like him, and if I say no things are going to get awkward. I hate it.

This is disturbing.

Special.

Tuesday, April 9 || 4/09/2013 10:45:00 AM

I don't know who am I. I know my name, I know my gender, I know my class, I know every single detail that you could find in my birth certificate. However, I don't know the real me. I felt like there'e just too many me... maybe this is what they call, identity crisis?

Personally, as an actress in the drama team, I acted many characters, usually villains. Even so, I enjoyed being the evil person in the drama. Probably because I don't have a very kind looking face nor a very sweet, melodious feminine voice. I even acted as a psychotic lady, who abused old ladies and down syndrome children. Psychotic lady who committed suicide after killing her very own sister just for the sake of snatching the family's fortune and make it her own. And now, my current role, was to be a normal teenage girl who betrayed her friend just to achieve her dreams. A girl whose dreams are not supported by her very own mother. A selfish and proud friend. That's my current role. Interesting aye?

However, when I get out from the drama realm back into the reality, I feel quite lost. It's like my brain started interpreting myself as different characters in different scenes. There's this really adorable girl. She's petite, and her height was just right for me to put my arms over her shoulders. That moment, I had the image of myself being a man, protecting this little girl. Well not every time of course, I can't accept. Sometimes I see myself as a drunk woman, holding a wine bottle, talking in a slurred manner. Sometimes when I'm doing my presentation, I see my myself as a successful and matured lady, voicing out her opinions confidently with no sense of doubt. The lady who is admired by everyone, and whose presence will always be felt anyway she goes. Sometimes when I'm with my friend who is quite like an elder sister to me, even though I'm older, I changed my tone and sometimes held her hand like how little girls hold their sisters, as I follow her around while laughing together with her in a clear sweet laughter. Maybe that condition happened because I never had siblings, so I guess I wanted to enjoy being cared by an elder sibling, blood related or not. Sometimes when I'm alone, or when I read some sophisticated book, or even listening to melancholy musics, I see myself as a lady, half mad, half normal. Sounds sick, but... I find this identities quite interesting.

My friend once said "It's normal for girls to think that they have depression and stuff and they start whining about it." I never said I had depression, I just... know that I'm not normal.

People always say, we need to be ourselves. Ourselves... All these characters are me. I am these characters. They're the blocks that build up the me you see today. However, when asked, "What kind of person do you think you're?" Mostly, I will answer them," I don't know. What do you think?" I don't know what am I. So, I will leave that to you guys to decide. I won't spend much time shaping the image I want the public to see me as. Everybody shall have a different image of me, a special image of me.

An idol, A light, A nerd, A dancer, That girl from First class, A barbarian...

Up to you.

In the end of the day, I know...

I am distinctive.

the stupid story ( - w - )

Sunday, April 7 || 4/07/2013 07:41:00 AM

There's this boy I know for a very long time. He is an average looking guy who is often misunderstood by most of the normal people. It's not that he is a bad person, it's not that he is a weirdo. He's just quiet. His silence is often misinterpret as a sign of rejection by many people who don't understand him. Soon, they started avoiding him, leaving him all alone in the lonely path. He felt lost as he walked on the streets aimlessly. As he walked, he found a huge dark cave of darkness. His eyes glimmered so bright, brighter than the shining dew in the morning. He found peace in darkness, and soon, that became his special place. A place where he finds calmness and peace.

As his friend, I knew the existence of that very special hide out place he has. However, I was once afraid of entering the cave and even tried to avoid it. Until one day, this boy suddenly disappeared for way too long. He was never seen, not even in the gardens, in the market. The boy disappeared into thin air. Most of the people didn't take notice of his disappearance but I do. So, I decided to take my tiny lantern which I found in my closet, and went on an adventure to look for that boy.

Soon, I arrived at the cave. I was terrified by the darkness which surrounds it, but I said to myself, "As a friend, I should not be afraid. I must save him." So, I entered the cave. In the middle, dark auras and scary spirits surrounded me. Then, I saw that boy right there, sitting down silently like what he usually do.

"Hey... Are you alright?" I stuttered.

He didn't even bother to look at me. He just sat down there, as if he locked himself away from the rest of the souls. Blood trickled down his arm like scarlet rose petals and scars covered his pale skin. Overall, he looked... tortured, dead. Evil spirits surrounded him, muttering those harsh and hurtful words. Some of them even tried to steal his happiness away.

Fear started to eat me up inside as tears trickled down like pouring emotions of waterfall. I was so worried about him. What did this boy do till he deserved such treatment? Why is he taking all the blame when he is clearly the victim? Anger started to rise and defeated the fear in my heart. I stomped towards him and gave him a tight slap on the face.

"What the hell, what was that for?" asked the little boy as he stared at me curiously.

"IDIOT! WAKE UP! SHOO EVIL DEMONS SHOOOOOOOO! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT NOW WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP"

I continued slapping him a few times till his butt cheeks turned pinkish red. ( o u o )v

rings*

"Ouch...."

I fell off my bed after being shocked by my alarm clock.

To that little boy who is reading this, you will always have my trust and faith in you. I always believed you and I hope you believe in me too. You promised me not to eat depression for meals and wash your face with your tears. So if you break your promise, I WILL BITCH SLAP YOU TILL YOUR BUTT CHEEKS CONCAVE.

Deal? C: