Teen Spirit

“Teen Spirit”

Insane.

Wednesday, July 10 || 7/10/2013 09:48:00 AM

I'm crying right now, again.
The girl called me, questioning me like a fugitive again. Expecting me to I understand. I told her what I thought, she still sounded suspicious. I broke down telling her what's going on in my head. She told me I'm not the only person who said that. The point is, I am no different from others sometimes when I'm weak. I sobbed while explaining, I couldn't stop myself. Telling her about my suicidal thoughts which I thought it was stupid, the stress I had, but i didn't tell her the stress I got from my family matter cause I don't want to make things complicated.

I cried again, like hell. Grandma had to snatched the phone away and closed it with no mercy. I sobbed and sobbed. She just consoled me. Then my parents came up. My dad told me to be strong, telling I'm a leader. I must be stern. I am different from them. I'm much more matured, I'm much more rational. My mum just say down and acted just like her. Blasting about wanting to go to school and look for the teacher, all sorts of nonsense which will most probably make things worst.

I kept quiet and cried. Hands still trying my best to finish up my chemistry work.
But she kept on saying in a stern manner, " why are you crying! " again, is crying a crime?

I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up and threw my book and yelled at her, telling her to let me have some peace of mid. But no, she kept on nagging, her voice continued getting louder and louder each time I tried to tell her off. Again, I slumped into the edge of breaking down. This time I screamed like shit, struggling around like a monster trying to escape from this cage of thorns made inside my heart and my mind. Why can't they understand and just give me a little peace?

She insisted I continue my homework even though I was in a terrible condition. My dad just kept on saying, you have to be strong you have to control yourself. Grandma was right there holding me back.

I told my mum everything. She couldn't accept any one of my thoughts. She said I should treat them like an enemy. She said she's doing this just to protect me. But she doesn't know the fact, that it's slowly corroding me inside. I told her, I would be a psychotic killer and kill everyone. She said its cause I'm not in the power to settle it myself. I told her, but I did not. So your point is not counted. I told her every single feeling I had. Tears still rolling but in a stern voice. She said that I should not mix with friends like that and that she disagrees from the start when I was involved in the carnival.

Why didn't she stop me and instead brought it up now?

I told her, " you know, right now, you are no different from them. "

I didn't know how I manage to get her out of my room. I just cried. Grandma was beside consoling me. She said she dreamt about grandpa, the 3 of us, sleeping at our old house. Is that a sign that someone will take my pain away? Is that a sign that I could escape forever?

That's why I said. You don't know what I'm going through. In my life, crying is a crime. Being sad is a crime. All I need to do is study, be stern, and act like an adult even though I'm just a normal 16 year old girl.

I'm really really tired. But that's my fate.

Died.

|| 7/10/2013 12:11:00 AM

I'm now in a terrible situation.
Both my friends were involved in some harassment incident where they both believed that the guy did it intentionally.
I agreed at first. Everyone did. Everyone believed he was at fault and he deserved the worst punishment he could ever get.

Until one day I realized, what if he is not guilty? What if it was just an accident?

I told her.
But she pushed me away, leaving me isolated just because I was different.
I was devastated. I knew this would happen, I knew she would have gotten mad with me. However, I thought she would understand, it was just merely an opinion. I was sad, I was really sad. I even felt really guilty. What if we did the wrong thing and I was one of the reasons why the boy got into such a sticky situation?
That night after she hung up the phone, not willing to accept my opinion. I cried. No one was there except one who understand. However, the pain is still there. For the first time, I felt such grieving pain in my heart, that caused tears to pour out like tap water. I cried the whole night.

The next day, hoping things would get better. However, again I was wrong. All of them gave me cold shoulders and weird stares. I knew, I became the villain again, just because I was different. Again, I don't blame her. She was the victim, she deserved to be angry for all she wants. But things just went out of hand, overboard. All of them were so cold to me. Nobody dared answering my questions, and those whispers that looked so cynical just cut me deep. I kept quiet. I kept composed though the pain started building up again.

Recess, I was alone again. Walked alone with my chemistry book in hand, feeling lost and insecure. They all left me behind. I decided to look for a friend, whom I believed will understand my situation. However, again and again I was wrong. I began to shatter into pieces. What have I done besides stating a different opinion? I never said I would betray her. I never said I would go and stand at the boy's side. This is too much for me. I broke down. Again for the first time, I yelled at the girl who I never expect myself to yell at for my whole life.

I broke down. Disappointed, broken. Maybe I was weird, maybe I was not fit to be their friends, maybe I thought too much, maybe I shouldn't even have told her that. It was my fault. I put the blame on myself right again. That time, everything around me seems to just stop. I was mentally unstable for the past few days, thanks to the overwhelming stress I had. Right now, this situation is not helping me at all.

Teacher saw and questioned me. I told her everything. At first she couldn't understand, but in the end she did. She said she would help. Of course, I felt better after telling someone who is matured enough to understand. Someone who can see the missing perspective where they failed to realize. I stood beside my friend in the queue, she just glanced, and walked away. Again, broken.

The night. She called. Not the one who glared at me and gave me cold shoulders, the one whom I thought she understood. She told me to understand. Four years of friendship, and yet she doesn't understand me? Thinking back, I was always the one being yelled at. Whenever she had a bad day, I would be the her punching bag. She would yell at me all she wants when I'm pretty sure I never done any of the things she said. When she had problems, I had to crack my head and help her, getting myself into trouble I'm not suppose to be in. But right now, I was said to be stubborn and childish. Just because I was different. She told me to talk to her. I said I would but things will never be the same anymore. I've reached a limit. My patience has a limit. I was given the title of a " betrayer" just because I was different. I'm not the strong person you think I am. My mask is slowly tearing down. It's tiring.

The next day, I went to school, smiling. Hoping that things would be better. She still ignored me. I didn't mind, didn't care. I still talk to her even though all I get was one word replies. It's still scarred inside., but it's okay. I could take it.

The day went normally, just without her.

Later, teacher called both of us. She told us about the case and she of course explained my point of view the her and all I did was for good intentions. However, that one thing that broke my heart again.

" I was so angry when I saw her cry. Everybody was questioning me what did I do to her! I was so pissed off. I went back and told my sister about it, and she called her an asshole. "

Then she gave me another title of " drama queen" . I never knew crying was a crime. She has no rights to call me that when she doesn't even know what am I going through. I thought so much for her, but instead she misjudged me so badly, treating me like a villain. Fine. I took it as a joke but deep inside, I was hurt. It was bleeding so hard that I hope I could just slice that pain off with a knife. I hope I could slice everybody around me who looked at me that way. But, I know that is wrong. I don't want to make that stupid mistake.

I walked behind her. She went away.

When we went back to class, she started crying. Everybody as usual, will be so worried about her. I on the other hand, chose to let her cry alone. She needs to accept the fact that the world does not spin around her. She needs to understand that sometimes things don't go like what it was meant to be. She needs to understand that life is realistic and not everyone will agree with you especially when you just thought from your own perspective. The worst is, when one of her close friend asked her what's wrong. She refuse to tell her. Genius, she went and tell other people whom she isn't really very close with. People who aren't suppose to be involve with this. I was furious again. You want to hate me fine, but please do not drag her along.

I'm sick of this.
I'm now keeping a distance away from her till the day she could actually gain some sense back.
Worse scenario?
Goodbye then.

A few friends told me to let go. Maybe they're right, maybe I should let go.